what hurts the most.

i can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
that don't bother me
i can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
i'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
even though going on with you gone still upsets me
there are days every now and again i pretend i'm ok
but that's not what gets me

what hurts the most
was being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away
and never knowing
what could have been
and not seeing that loving you
is what i was trying to do

it's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
but i'm doing it
it's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
still harder
getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
but i know if i could do it over
i would trade give away all the words that i saved in my heart
that i left unspoken
_________




my stomach churns everytime i listen to this.
did they steal the words right out of my mouth?

citrawarna 2009

"this is sucking the life outta me..."
haha. that's my most frequent line used these days. well apart from "paaaaiiinnnn....paiiiiinnnnn...."

been having really intensive training for this dance thing.
i mean, i love dancing more than anything, but when it comes to a point where it makes my body half paralysed, that's something else.

there've been days where we couldn't walk without going "ouchh..ahh...ouchh.." every step we take.
days where going to take a leak is THE most painful thing just coz we couldn't bend our legs at all.
days where it took a full five minutes to go down the stairs instead of the usual thirty seconds.
days where we spent so much time in training sessions till we forgot how our own rooms look like.
days where we asked ourselves why we bother showering coz before we know it, we're drenched in sweat all over again.
days where people stop to stare at us and go "omg you look terrible" hahaha.


my legs are now numb. i can't feel the pain anymore. but i feel like they can hardly function. they're like jelly, literally. no pain, but jelly-like... really can't tell if that's good or bad.


training sessions went from 8.30pm - 10pm, to 8.30pm - 12am, to 5.30pm - 12am, to 5.30pm to 3am!!! (with dinner break of course)
DAILY!!! (except for some days where it's cancelled)

so don't roll your eyes when i say i feel dead. coz i'm not exagerrating.


ohya! and guess what. my thighs are like rock-hard now! hahahaha. those painful dance steps really turn your quadriceps muscles into steel. i'm serious, feel them!!! :D


but as painful as they were, training sessions will be missed.
our choreographer/instructor, my dance partner, my 'group', the funny guys who always bring laughter, the really nice girls that i wouldn't have known otherwise, the times when we laughed and whined together. ..
sigh.


we're finally leaving to Penang tonight. wish us luck.
may the force be with us. hahahahahahahaha. :)

WTH!

there's this rumour travelling from mouth to mouth. (haha that sounds like something else but heck...)



a rumour, if a may repeat..


that i'm currently flirting with someone/ courting someone/ going to go out with someone/ having something going on with someone/ whatever.
i don't know. basically, somewhere along that line.



WHAT THE HELL??????



i just heard it today and

WHAAAAAAAT THE HELL???????

if there's someone that significant in my life right now, wouldn't i know? wtf.

are they out of their minds?????????? wait, and they are people i hardly even know! OMG.

i hate this i hate this i hate this!

note for Shanti.

there's this note which i'm supposed to paste on my mirror.

but of course, the mirror provided in my hostel room is so humongous that i can't even find a spot to place this piece of paper without blocking my reflection.

anywayz, back to the note. it's basically stuff that some of my 'classmates' wrote bout me. or more specifically, why they love me. :D *smilesssss*

please be reminded that my 'class' has about 300 students. so it's not uncommon to not know your classmates. trust me, there hasn't been a week that i've not gone "eh? this dude/girl is in our batch????"

well my point is, these may not be the people i'm closest too. but it's nice knowing what they see in you... :)




SHANTI

It's my pleasure to know you! Friendly, Lovely, Cute.

I LOVE you as i know you are crazy, unpredictable and moody (Just like me!)

You are open minded, good dancer,........ also a charming lady :-)

You are brave, good speaker and adorable.

I love you as i know you are arrrrrrrrr, mmmmm, aaaaa, what ar........ chubby kot...

I love you as i know you are my sweet batchmate, good dancer (don't forget the orientation week dance) and 'cute'. Haha some are just lies........



*beams* :D :D
-i've never heard bout people being loved for being moody hahaha. but i guess the writer meant, 'being just like them'...
-and oh ya... i'm loved cause i'm chubby??? wth? haha that sounded more like it was meant for a baby.
-dancer, speaker.... heheh. things i'm pretty known for in usm. *perasan*
-oh and BRAVE? wow.... like seriously, wow. i've never used that word on myself before.
-i know one writer claimed to be 'lying'... but who cares? :D


anywayz, it may look just like any other piece of scrap paper...
but it sure means the world to me. really. :)
thank you, guys. :)



(i'm sure this sounds like a very 'perasan' entry. well i'm in a rare perasan-mode, so sue me.)

@^#$^%$!!!!

i'm just so fucking filled with anger and frustration right now!

i so fucking wanna scream at your face till you go deaf!

i so fucking wanna cause you so much pain, it'd be worse than hell!

i so fucking wanna let all those bottled up emotions out like i never did before!





JACKASS! (it's a word you like to use, isn't it? well that spells YOU!)

FUCKING COWARD!

ASSHOLE!

BITCHHHHHH!




i'm gonna explode. i'm gonna fucking explode!!!!!

one of those chachos-ful nights.

*looks at the time*





i'm supposed to be asleep.


but here i am, typing and munching on some leftover Chachos.


(not like it's a bad thing or anything, chachos are good!)




















took a shower at about 0006hours.


went to bed at about 0023hours.


tossed, but didn't turn.


still awake.


said a lil prayer like i always do.


cried. (i'm not insane.)


couldn't sleep.


got out of bed.


went back to bed.


got out of bed again.


went back to bed.


listened to my mp3 and then the battery died.


got out of bed to charge it.


went back to bed, tossed AND turned.


got out of bed and got stuck to my laptop.

my alarm is set to go off at o600hours.


*looks at the time*


good luck, shanti.

UN-attract!

people always want to know how to attract a person.
well i have a different kind of problem.

i need to learn how to make people NOT be attracted to me.

right now, i'm not sure if i'm doing it right.
i'm not sure if i'm giving out the wrong signals.
i'm not sure if i'm leading them on.

as far as i'm concern, i'm just being friendly.
and i think it's fair to be nice to people who you like talking to.
which is what i think i'm doing. being nice.



BUT

i've been getting hints. heavy hints.
which i'm not sure how to react to.




what do i say?


"please go away." ????
no i can't, i like talking to the person.

"stop flirting with me." ????
how on earth do i say that without being harsh?

"i'm not attracted to you." ????
sounds too mean.

"i don't mind hanging out with you, but i don't wanna date you." ????
how do you tell that to someone who's asking you out?

"don't fall for me." ????
hahahaha. lame!




HOW do you NOT attract someone?

the waiting.

waiting for something you're certain of is one thing...
waiting for something you're NOT certain of is a different thing altogether.

it drives you crazy.
the uncertainty.
not knowing.

i don't know bout others, but it sure drives me mad.
i can't stand not knowing.
i can't stand the anticipation of something that's not certain.

well i just can't stand waiting.
especially when i don't even know what exactly i'm waiting for.



right now i just wish this 'game' would end.
but then again, i could be the only player in the game.

orgy?

(i know my blog is kinda dead these days. forgive me. medic school is crazy.)

note: this event took place last thursday. or should i say friday morning.

well since it was the last day of exams, right after our MCQ paper, we went crazy shopping in KB Mall (where else can i go?) till we were exhausted.

*skips unnecessary details*

then that night a bunch of us decided to go to Tok Bali just for fun.

(to those who aren't familiar with the place, i'm talking about the beach actually)

damn that place was as dark as a black hole! but surprisingly the place was filled with nocturnal creatures (like us :P)... campfires and all.

so we were cooking and eating and laughing and running around and...

*skips unnecessary details*



then we saw.
they were staring at us.
walking towards us.
definitely not in beach-wear.
they stopped us.



unknown fellas: ini dari mana ni?

us: *silent... looking at each other*

unknown fellas: datang dari mana kamu ni?

us: dari USM.

unknown fellas: dari USM... semua student ni?

us: ye.

unknown fellas: buat apa kat sini?

us: saje je.

unknown fellas: apa program kamu kat sini? nak buat akitiviti apa?

us: takde apa-apa. just saje je.

unknown fellas: laki ni siapa? *points at one of the guys*

us: kawan.

unknown fellas: *stares at us suspiciously* ... apa program kamu?


gosh i don't know how many million times he repeated the same freakin question "apa program kamu kat sini?"... i swear i was gonna ask him if he was deaf!


unknown fellas: kami sebenarnya dari Jabatan Agama... *bla bla bla... *


wtf. OMG that familiar line! the line that u only hear in malay dramas! i couldn't make out what else he was saying... my mind was flooded with all kinds of thoughts.


unknown fellas: berapa orang datang? perempuan berapa?

us: perempuan 4 orang.

unknown fellas: laki berapa orang? berapa kereta? yang lain mana?


OMG. what the hell is wrong with them? did they really think we were organizing an orgy or something??? PLUS, we were all indians... we have NOTHING to do with their Jabatan Agama!

sigh.



i have to say, a memorable post-exam celebration indeed.

Feb 14th

one couple just flew to kl today.

some went to terengganu.

one will be going to god knows which resort this time.

some went to Rantau Something (i'm bad with names).

others are just out. somewhere.





guess where Shanti is! :D
sitting in her hostel room, typing this post! :D


happy valentine's day. HAPPY valentine's day indeed.