broken

This brought me to tears today.

the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
i am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
in the pain, there is healing
in your name i find meaning
so i'm holding on, i'm holding on, i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

the broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
i tried my best to be guarded, i'm an open book instead
i still see your reflection inside of my eyes
that are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
in the pain, is there healing
in your name i find meaning
so i'm holding on, i'm holding on, i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

i'm hanging on another day
just to see what you throw my way
and i'm hanging on to the words you say
you said that i will be okay

the broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
i may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
in the pain, there is healing
in your name i find meaning
so i'm holding on, i'm holding on, i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

Broken- Lifehouse

Someone once told me...

"When you cry yourself to sleep, you'll wake up the next morning with horribly swollen eyes and a puffy face."



It's true.

So either call in sick, or be prepared to get odd looks and questions.

-back.

And so I'm back, after half a year. How things have changed... or not.
Sometimes we can never know if change is really for the better. More reasons to smile, at the same time, more reasons to cry. You say hello to something, at the same time, you say goodbye to something else. For the better? And you wonder.

Some goodbyes were probably not even real goodbyes. And you realize that although you've always thought somethings are long gone, no longer there, their shadow appears when you least expect it. Gone, or just hiding?

And there'll be times when you feel complete, but as soon as you close your eyes for a moment, a sense of emptiness drowns you. It's like having so many good puzzle pieces, more than you would ever need, but none to fill that last spot. Wonderfully complete, yet still incomplete.

And you look back and wonder what could've been. If you had stayed and waited at square one for just a little longer, how different would things be? Or would you have been left there standing at the same spot forever? Was the wait not long enough? Who's to know anyway.

And you'd be surprised as to how one can call you their friend one minute, and the next minute easily turn around and label you the enemy. Little things may have changed from time to time, but does that really have to burn everything else?




Nonetheless, for all that I have with me right here and right now, no matter how much or how little they may seem, no matter how perfect or imperfect they may be, I thank You.

let.me.WHINE.

i hate whining. i hate it when people get too whiney.

but tonight i don't care. i'm gonna whine all i want here. i'm gonna be one of those painfully annoying whiney people. i don't freakin care.

it's acceptable when life slaps you right on your face once, twice is still okay too. but when it decides to not only slap you a million times till your face turns blue, but also kick and punch and burn you till every inch of your body screams in agony and you're left feeling numb, you have all the right in the universe to whine.

i am not weak. i have shone like the king of the world, and fallen to the deepest darkest pits, and worked my way up all over again. i have tasted success. and i have had failures. which i am never too afraid to climb out of. but there comes a point when your strength goes missing and no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to find it. i am not weak, but at this moment in time, i am not strong either. so let me whine.

working so bloody hard on something, only to be shot in the head with failure. holding on so strongly for so long, only to realize nobody is going to be there to grab your hand and pull you up. being able to trust and build a bond, only to be abandoned and forgotten within seconds. wanting, wishing, praying, hoping so badly, only to see that one thing in someone else's hands. having to fight an unfair fight, and to do it alone. so let me whine.

i feel wronged. i feel betrayed. i feel cheated. i feel mistreated. i feel abandoned. so let me freakin whine.

shanti on break

i've been at home (on break) for about 2 weeks now, and here's what i do:


1200: Get up. *yawns*
before you call me a lazy pig, you should see what time i go to sleep.

1230: Hello, chores.
either cooking or cleaning or laundry.

1330: Blast music. Sing (or screech) my heart out. Dance like there's no tomorrow.
everybody else in school, nothing good on tv, me being home alone and bored shitless, what else am i to do?

1500: Read papers.
voice gone hoarse, ran out of dance moves, so yea.

1530: Watch 'Lalola'.
so i'm a sucker for spanish telenovelas. shoot me.

1630: Scroll through tv channels aimlessly.
i just watch anything to kill time. oh sometimes it'd be 'Life is Wild' on channel 5. the guy is cute, so i don't mind.

1800: Watch 'The Ellen Show'.
she makes me laugh. i like her.

1900: Hog mom/dad's laptop for the rest of the night.
by now they should be back, with their laptops. which means yay i finally get to go online! i have one too, but something happened and we sent it for repair and they're taking forever to get it fixed.

0200: Drown in boredom again.
most people would've gone to bed, leaving me online alone. even facebook gets boring. so i watch random videos, read random blogs, view random photos, and play random pointless online games.

0500: SCRAM!
parents would be up any minute now, so i'd shut everything down and run straight to bed!!


there you go. that's how i spend my days at home, more or less, every day. what a wonderful holiday. (it's gonna be a painfully loooooong 2-month break)

maybe.

maybe i love you, maybe i just love pain.

sometimes it really isn't that clear.
loving you doesn't make sense.
loving pain doesn't make sense.
i don't know which it is.
either way, it's just not going away.
it's still the same.

maybe i love you.
maybe i just love pain.

exam fever.

3 days before my finals:

• my hair is a mess. let's call it the just-out-of-bed look.
• my eyes look dark. it's either dark circles, or maybe just smudged eyeliner.
• i have a don't-mess-with-me look on my face.
• wearing a black tank top.

and i thought to myself...

I LOOK LIKE A ROCKSTAR~!!

i live in an oven.

that's right people. i live in a friggin oven.

i honestly don't know if it's global warming, or if it's gonna be the end.
(if you watched 'Knowing', you'll understand)

but the heat is unbearable. seriously.
i don't know if it's just Kelantan, or the whole Malaysia,
but i gotta say the weather is crazy.

end of last year it was WET.
for months, continously.
with all our laundry piled up and rotting at one corner.

and now it's BURNING!

i've done everything i can to feel comfortable.
~ wear minimal clothing, check.
(i have roommates, so maybe not as minimal as i'd wish)
~ take cold showers frequently, check.
(now all i need is an ICE bath)
~ turn ALL the fans on, at the HIGHEST speed, check.
(wish our rooms were air-conditioned)
~ drink nothing but cold drinks, check.
(still leaves me feeling dehydrated)
~ try to sleep it off? check!
(impossible to fall sleep)


there are only a few things that i haven't considered.
~ shave my head bald and shiny.
~ stay outside my room completely naked.
~ move in permanently into a fridge.
~ do a rain dance.

let's hope this merciless heat doesn't burn away my sanity.

~ALWAYS be my baby

now you want to be free

so i'm letting you fly

cause i know in my heart babe

our love will never die, no

you'll always be a part of me

i'm a part of you indefinitely

don't you know you can't escape me

oh darling cause you'll always be my baby

and we'll linger on

time can't erase a feeling this strong

no way you're never gonna shake me

oh darling cause you'll always be my baby

i ain't gonna cry, no

and i won't beg you to stay

if you're determined to leave

i will not stand in your way

-David Cook

the mystery of a grey pendrive :)

woke up this morning,
(okay more like afternoon, but heck...)
walked around with my hair in a mess, eyes barely open,
looked at my table and there it was:

A PENDRIVE!


okay i know it doesn't seem like anything great.
but here's the thing, it wasn't mine.
there was no note, nothing.

so i ignored it.
waited around for a text or something, explaining its sudden 'presence'.
but again, nothing.

i asked around.

turns out there's a video some senior dude wanted me to watch.
*excited*
i imagined it to be one of our dance performances.
there's something wrong with my player, so i thought of watching it somewhere else.

then i got a warning (text):
"DON'T PLAY IT NOW!"
*confused*

didn't think much bout it since it was only 2 hours prior to my exam.
(hence, head goes cuckoo)

~fast forward~


17 minutes prior to exam,
someone enlightened me.

it's the last thing i ever expected:
PORN.

*laughs my heart out*
--------------------------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
it's hilarious how people just can't seem to digest the fact that i've not watched porn before.
(i know now some of you may think i'm as innocent as a child, and some may think i'm just pathetic. but i really don't care.)

whatever it is,
i'n not exactly that clueless. :)

[ can't imagine how i'd concentrate on the exam if the last image in my mind was porn. porn for the first time. HAHA! ]

grotesque!

i have exams in less than 3 weeks. instead of reading Keith Moore's Clinical Anatomy, i'm reading this:

had it for what seems like ages already, but only decided to open it a few days before my finals. ironic huh?

anywayz, i've only read a few pages and i think it's awesome already!

prostitution... murder... japan... oooooooohhhhh... it doesn't get any better, does it?

i'm so excited i'm almost turned on. almost.

oh shit!

oh shit!

well some stuff here are obviously for my eyes only. most of the time, when i blog it's more like talking to myself.

not everything here is meant to be public.

therefore i can't decide whether to make this blog public or private.

and again.... oh shit!

rest in peace.

we take people for granted all the time.
i try my best not to, as much as i can.
but i'm only human. so i, too, take people for granted, without realizing.

there are some people who should be close to us,
but slowly we drift apart.
we don't call, we don't write, we don't visit.
we remember, but never made it a point to let them know they're remembered.

it's nobody's fault, really. as i always say.
it works both ways.

so start today.
pick up that phone, go get a pen and paper, grab your car keys and drive.
start today.


















we sometimes assume people will always be there.
failing to realize the fact that anything can happen at any time.

only at times like this do we realize that life isn't forever.
and life can end in a blink.
death doesn't wait for us to be prepared,
death comes and ambushes us when we least expect it.
leaving only a feeling of loss...

we pray that you're in a better place now. rest in peace. you will be missed.

just know i'm here...

you say you gotta go and find yourself
you say that you're becoming someone else
don't recognize the face in the mirror
looking back at you

you say you're leaving
as you look away
i know there's really nothing left to say
just know i'm here
whenever you need me
i'll wait for you

so i'll let you go
i'll set you free
and when you see what you need to see
when you find you, come back to me

take your time i won't go anywhere
picture you with the wind in your hair
i'll keep your things right where you left them
i'll be here for you

oh and i'll let you go
i'll set you free
and when you see what you need to see
when you find you, come back to me

and i hope you find everything that you need
i'll be right here waiting to see
you find you
come back to me

i can't get close if you're not there
i can't get inside if there's no soul to bear
i can't fix you, i can't save you
it's something you have to do

so i'll let you go
i'll set you free
and when you see what you need to see
when you find you, come back to me
come back to me...
****

- Come Back To Me by David Cook.

it's MY day!!! (part 2)

okay if you read my other entry (which is supposed to be part 1 i guess),
you'd see that there were two birthday celebrations.

well i came home last weekend for a third celebration! YAY!
so here goes...

part three:
# march 29th (4 days after my day but who cares? haha)
# small celebration with family & close relatives
# reservation, nice restaurant
# great cake with lotsa fruit on top! YUM!
# chinese 9-course meal.. mind-blowing!
# lotsa prezziessssss!!! :D
# oh ya, they played a song for me. how cute is that? LOL!

all in all, i loved it. :) very small, very personal, very special.
thanks daddy, thanks mommy... it was so incredibly sweet of you guys. :)

__________________________
so here's what i got:

1. a handbag-cum-clutch. WHICH IS PURPLE OMG!!! it would so go with my new purple peep toe pumps :) love it! it's officially my first clutch. haha.

2. u HUUUUGE key. it's gold (well of course not made of gold, they don't love me that much hahahahaha) with the number '21' and the letter 'S' at the handle, with a whole bunch of signatures and notes at the back. awww... :)

3. a whole stack of coloured pens! i've always had a thing for coloured pens. i'd admire them in stationery stores, but never willing to part with my cash to buy them. lol. and now i have a WHOLE BUNCH of them!

4. this little decorative thing... a baby crawling under a huge mushroom. LOL. very cute. plus, there's a BABY!!! a very cute chubby lil' baby girl! i go crazy when i see babies! weeeeeeeeee!

5. a key-chain. it has self-written messages on it. nice. :)

6. a belt! it's black, with shiny stuff on it. dang i don't know how to describe it. it'd be perfect for the days i wanna look a lil' rockstar-ish :P

7. a paper weight. shaped like a big round magic crystal ball! hahaha. lotsa dolphins floating inside. me loves!

8. a pretty lil' pendant! key-shaped, of course hahaha, it's gold (this time it is made of real gold) with the number '21'. :) :) :) :) so pretty and cute and tiny! :) (thanks so much mom & dad...)

9. a handbag-cum-pouch-cum-sling-bag! omg i love it! it's just so small and cute and there are so many ways i can use it! it's brown and shiny and very pretty!

10. a chain! as in the ones you hang around your neck. one of those long chains, with stuff on it (god i don't know what they're called) and they have the 60s look, which i like. oh guess what, IT'S PURPLE TOO!!!!!! omg! :)

11. and the others gave envelopes. hahaha. with ka-chingg inside of course. i love it too! i mean, how can you ever go wrong with money? heheh. :)




thank you, all... so so much. really appreciate everything.
i still refuse to grow older, but i sure don't mind the presents! *winks*

oops terpancut!

i stumbled upon this while facebook-ing:




Rahsia Pancutkan Isteri
100% terbukti berkesan mampu membuatkan isteri anda terpancut dan kepuasan berkali-kali hanya pada satu malam sahaja!




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

i burst out laughing!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

and i couldn't stop!

gosh it sound terribly ridiculous in BM!

it's MY day!!!

i turn 21 today.

TWENTY-ONE!

feels kinda unreal. i don't feel 21. i don't even look 21.. i think.



sooooooooo...
i officially refuse to grow older. :)
i refuse to enter adulthood. :)
no matter what you say, i still stubbornly refuse. :)


...forgive me for sounding childish for a while there.


anywayz, i had 2 celebrations. with 2 different group of people. :)


part one:
# shortly after midnight.
# a surprise. (they made me blind for a while!)
# secret recipe raspberry cheesecake. YUM!
# some of the closest people to me in this campus. :)
# lotsa laughter. :)
# gifts!!! :)
# me loves!!!


part two:
# dinner time.
# not so much of a surprise, coz my bestfriend can't hold it in. :P
# this really cute looking bright-green cake, with lotsa strawberries, cherries, and other fruits on top. so pretty!!! and of course, YUM! :)
# a slightly bigger crowd.. who just kept stuffing me with cake.
# gift!!! :)



oh, and my thumbs are sore thanks to the hundreds of text-replying.
my ears are sore too thanks to the phonecalls.
my fingers are gonna be sore too, replying online birthday wishes.

but i loved em all! :) :) :) :)

and to those i nearly lost contact with, thanks so much for remembering! :) :) :) :) :)




i refuse to grow a year older, i wish i wasn't stuck in campus, i wish i didn't have to do a research and presentation about suicide today,
BUT I'M SMILING NONETHELESS!!!


xoxo

-

i'm in love with an asshole.
















well, i think.
o_O

what hurts the most.

i can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
that don't bother me
i can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
i'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
even though going on with you gone still upsets me
there are days every now and again i pretend i'm ok
but that's not what gets me

what hurts the most
was being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away
and never knowing
what could have been
and not seeing that loving you
is what i was trying to do

it's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go
but i'm doing it
it's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone
still harder
getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
but i know if i could do it over
i would trade give away all the words that i saved in my heart
that i left unspoken
_________




my stomach churns everytime i listen to this.
did they steal the words right out of my mouth?

citrawarna 2009

"this is sucking the life outta me..."
haha. that's my most frequent line used these days. well apart from "paaaaiiinnnn....paiiiiinnnnn...."

been having really intensive training for this dance thing.
i mean, i love dancing more than anything, but when it comes to a point where it makes my body half paralysed, that's something else.

there've been days where we couldn't walk without going "ouchh..ahh...ouchh.." every step we take.
days where going to take a leak is THE most painful thing just coz we couldn't bend our legs at all.
days where it took a full five minutes to go down the stairs instead of the usual thirty seconds.
days where we spent so much time in training sessions till we forgot how our own rooms look like.
days where we asked ourselves why we bother showering coz before we know it, we're drenched in sweat all over again.
days where people stop to stare at us and go "omg you look terrible" hahaha.


my legs are now numb. i can't feel the pain anymore. but i feel like they can hardly function. they're like jelly, literally. no pain, but jelly-like... really can't tell if that's good or bad.


training sessions went from 8.30pm - 10pm, to 8.30pm - 12am, to 5.30pm - 12am, to 5.30pm to 3am!!! (with dinner break of course)
DAILY!!! (except for some days where it's cancelled)

so don't roll your eyes when i say i feel dead. coz i'm not exagerrating.


ohya! and guess what. my thighs are like rock-hard now! hahahaha. those painful dance steps really turn your quadriceps muscles into steel. i'm serious, feel them!!! :D


but as painful as they were, training sessions will be missed.
our choreographer/instructor, my dance partner, my 'group', the funny guys who always bring laughter, the really nice girls that i wouldn't have known otherwise, the times when we laughed and whined together. ..
sigh.


we're finally leaving to Penang tonight. wish us luck.
may the force be with us. hahahahahahahaha. :)

WTH!

there's this rumour travelling from mouth to mouth. (haha that sounds like something else but heck...)



a rumour, if a may repeat..


that i'm currently flirting with someone/ courting someone/ going to go out with someone/ having something going on with someone/ whatever.
i don't know. basically, somewhere along that line.



WHAT THE HELL??????



i just heard it today and

WHAAAAAAAT THE HELL???????

if there's someone that significant in my life right now, wouldn't i know? wtf.

are they out of their minds?????????? wait, and they are people i hardly even know! OMG.

i hate this i hate this i hate this!

note for Shanti.

there's this note which i'm supposed to paste on my mirror.

but of course, the mirror provided in my hostel room is so humongous that i can't even find a spot to place this piece of paper without blocking my reflection.

anywayz, back to the note. it's basically stuff that some of my 'classmates' wrote bout me. or more specifically, why they love me. :D *smilesssss*

please be reminded that my 'class' has about 300 students. so it's not uncommon to not know your classmates. trust me, there hasn't been a week that i've not gone "eh? this dude/girl is in our batch????"

well my point is, these may not be the people i'm closest too. but it's nice knowing what they see in you... :)




SHANTI

It's my pleasure to know you! Friendly, Lovely, Cute.

I LOVE you as i know you are crazy, unpredictable and moody (Just like me!)

You are open minded, good dancer,........ also a charming lady :-)

You are brave, good speaker and adorable.

I love you as i know you are arrrrrrrrr, mmmmm, aaaaa, what ar........ chubby kot...

I love you as i know you are my sweet batchmate, good dancer (don't forget the orientation week dance) and 'cute'. Haha some are just lies........



*beams* :D :D
-i've never heard bout people being loved for being moody hahaha. but i guess the writer meant, 'being just like them'...
-and oh ya... i'm loved cause i'm chubby??? wth? haha that sounded more like it was meant for a baby.
-dancer, speaker.... heheh. things i'm pretty known for in usm. *perasan*
-oh and BRAVE? wow.... like seriously, wow. i've never used that word on myself before.
-i know one writer claimed to be 'lying'... but who cares? :D


anywayz, it may look just like any other piece of scrap paper...
but it sure means the world to me. really. :)
thank you, guys. :)



(i'm sure this sounds like a very 'perasan' entry. well i'm in a rare perasan-mode, so sue me.)

@^#$^%$!!!!

i'm just so fucking filled with anger and frustration right now!

i so fucking wanna scream at your face till you go deaf!

i so fucking wanna cause you so much pain, it'd be worse than hell!

i so fucking wanna let all those bottled up emotions out like i never did before!





JACKASS! (it's a word you like to use, isn't it? well that spells YOU!)

FUCKING COWARD!

ASSHOLE!

BITCHHHHHH!




i'm gonna explode. i'm gonna fucking explode!!!!!

one of those chachos-ful nights.

*looks at the time*





i'm supposed to be asleep.


but here i am, typing and munching on some leftover Chachos.


(not like it's a bad thing or anything, chachos are good!)




















took a shower at about 0006hours.


went to bed at about 0023hours.


tossed, but didn't turn.


still awake.


said a lil prayer like i always do.


cried. (i'm not insane.)


couldn't sleep.


got out of bed.


went back to bed.


got out of bed again.


went back to bed.


listened to my mp3 and then the battery died.


got out of bed to charge it.


went back to bed, tossed AND turned.


got out of bed and got stuck to my laptop.

my alarm is set to go off at o600hours.


*looks at the time*


good luck, shanti.

UN-attract!

people always want to know how to attract a person.
well i have a different kind of problem.

i need to learn how to make people NOT be attracted to me.

right now, i'm not sure if i'm doing it right.
i'm not sure if i'm giving out the wrong signals.
i'm not sure if i'm leading them on.

as far as i'm concern, i'm just being friendly.
and i think it's fair to be nice to people who you like talking to.
which is what i think i'm doing. being nice.



BUT

i've been getting hints. heavy hints.
which i'm not sure how to react to.




what do i say?


"please go away." ????
no i can't, i like talking to the person.

"stop flirting with me." ????
how on earth do i say that without being harsh?

"i'm not attracted to you." ????
sounds too mean.

"i don't mind hanging out with you, but i don't wanna date you." ????
how do you tell that to someone who's asking you out?

"don't fall for me." ????
hahahaha. lame!




HOW do you NOT attract someone?

the waiting.

waiting for something you're certain of is one thing...
waiting for something you're NOT certain of is a different thing altogether.

it drives you crazy.
the uncertainty.
not knowing.

i don't know bout others, but it sure drives me mad.
i can't stand not knowing.
i can't stand the anticipation of something that's not certain.

well i just can't stand waiting.
especially when i don't even know what exactly i'm waiting for.



right now i just wish this 'game' would end.
but then again, i could be the only player in the game.

orgy?

(i know my blog is kinda dead these days. forgive me. medic school is crazy.)

note: this event took place last thursday. or should i say friday morning.

well since it was the last day of exams, right after our MCQ paper, we went crazy shopping in KB Mall (where else can i go?) till we were exhausted.

*skips unnecessary details*

then that night a bunch of us decided to go to Tok Bali just for fun.

(to those who aren't familiar with the place, i'm talking about the beach actually)

damn that place was as dark as a black hole! but surprisingly the place was filled with nocturnal creatures (like us :P)... campfires and all.

so we were cooking and eating and laughing and running around and...

*skips unnecessary details*



then we saw.
they were staring at us.
walking towards us.
definitely not in beach-wear.
they stopped us.



unknown fellas: ini dari mana ni?

us: *silent... looking at each other*

unknown fellas: datang dari mana kamu ni?

us: dari USM.

unknown fellas: dari USM... semua student ni?

us: ye.

unknown fellas: buat apa kat sini?

us: saje je.

unknown fellas: apa program kamu kat sini? nak buat akitiviti apa?

us: takde apa-apa. just saje je.

unknown fellas: laki ni siapa? *points at one of the guys*

us: kawan.

unknown fellas: *stares at us suspiciously* ... apa program kamu?


gosh i don't know how many million times he repeated the same freakin question "apa program kamu kat sini?"... i swear i was gonna ask him if he was deaf!


unknown fellas: kami sebenarnya dari Jabatan Agama... *bla bla bla... *


wtf. OMG that familiar line! the line that u only hear in malay dramas! i couldn't make out what else he was saying... my mind was flooded with all kinds of thoughts.


unknown fellas: berapa orang datang? perempuan berapa?

us: perempuan 4 orang.

unknown fellas: laki berapa orang? berapa kereta? yang lain mana?


OMG. what the hell is wrong with them? did they really think we were organizing an orgy or something??? PLUS, we were all indians... we have NOTHING to do with their Jabatan Agama!

sigh.



i have to say, a memorable post-exam celebration indeed.

Feb 14th

one couple just flew to kl today.

some went to terengganu.

one will be going to god knows which resort this time.

some went to Rantau Something (i'm bad with names).

others are just out. somewhere.





guess where Shanti is! :D
sitting in her hostel room, typing this post! :D


happy valentine's day. HAPPY valentine's day indeed.

nothing

i don't know what's wrong with me

but i'm wondering why i didn't accept NUS' offer last year.

i should've. i could've been studying there right now.

why didn't i accept it?

i don't know what's wrong with me.

i need a therapist!

2009 started off as a busy busy busssssssssssssssssy year. (which explains my silence for 2 weeks)

but...
i'm not here to talk bout how i started 2009. that will be in another post, some other day.



something's bothering me. my sleep actually. or more specifically, my dreams. very vivid dreams.

i shall not get into details coz that would be too... well... explicit.

so here's a few key words:

• night
• outdoors
• in the rain (but i didn't get the chance to feel cold... you'll know why)
• erm... lips (very 'busy' lips)
• hands
• actually the whole body
• tight embrace
• warm... or should i say... hot hot hot!
• LIPS! MOUTH!
• people watching (YES, there were people around!)
• of course, me and another co-star

i woke up confused, shocked, blushing, breathing heavily... and i could still FEEL it!

jumped out of bed to take a cold shower... and i could still FEEL it!

told my friend about it... and i could still FEEL it!

it's been hours now... BUT I CAN STILL FEEL IT!

the dream is weird. i've never had a dream so vivid before, especially these kind of dreams!

plus, my co-star is someone i know. someone i shouldn't be dreaming about, especially these kind of dreams!

omg omg omg. what is wrong with me.

i need a therapist. *still blushing*