let.me.WHINE.

i hate whining. i hate it when people get too whiney.

but tonight i don't care. i'm gonna whine all i want here. i'm gonna be one of those painfully annoying whiney people. i don't freakin care.

it's acceptable when life slaps you right on your face once, twice is still okay too. but when it decides to not only slap you a million times till your face turns blue, but also kick and punch and burn you till every inch of your body screams in agony and you're left feeling numb, you have all the right in the universe to whine.

i am not weak. i have shone like the king of the world, and fallen to the deepest darkest pits, and worked my way up all over again. i have tasted success. and i have had failures. which i am never too afraid to climb out of. but there comes a point when your strength goes missing and no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to find it. i am not weak, but at this moment in time, i am not strong either. so let me whine.

working so bloody hard on something, only to be shot in the head with failure. holding on so strongly for so long, only to realize nobody is going to be there to grab your hand and pull you up. being able to trust and build a bond, only to be abandoned and forgotten within seconds. wanting, wishing, praying, hoping so badly, only to see that one thing in someone else's hands. having to fight an unfair fight, and to do it alone. so let me whine.

i feel wronged. i feel betrayed. i feel cheated. i feel mistreated. i feel abandoned. so let me freakin whine.

shanti on break

i've been at home (on break) for about 2 weeks now, and here's what i do:


1200: Get up. *yawns*
before you call me a lazy pig, you should see what time i go to sleep.

1230: Hello, chores.
either cooking or cleaning or laundry.

1330: Blast music. Sing (or screech) my heart out. Dance like there's no tomorrow.
everybody else in school, nothing good on tv, me being home alone and bored shitless, what else am i to do?

1500: Read papers.
voice gone hoarse, ran out of dance moves, so yea.

1530: Watch 'Lalola'.
so i'm a sucker for spanish telenovelas. shoot me.

1630: Scroll through tv channels aimlessly.
i just watch anything to kill time. oh sometimes it'd be 'Life is Wild' on channel 5. the guy is cute, so i don't mind.

1800: Watch 'The Ellen Show'.
she makes me laugh. i like her.

1900: Hog mom/dad's laptop for the rest of the night.
by now they should be back, with their laptops. which means yay i finally get to go online! i have one too, but something happened and we sent it for repair and they're taking forever to get it fixed.

0200: Drown in boredom again.
most people would've gone to bed, leaving me online alone. even facebook gets boring. so i watch random videos, read random blogs, view random photos, and play random pointless online games.

0500: SCRAM!
parents would be up any minute now, so i'd shut everything down and run straight to bed!!


there you go. that's how i spend my days at home, more or less, every day. what a wonderful holiday. (it's gonna be a painfully loooooong 2-month break)

maybe.

maybe i love you, maybe i just love pain.

sometimes it really isn't that clear.
loving you doesn't make sense.
loving pain doesn't make sense.
i don't know which it is.
either way, it's just not going away.
it's still the same.

maybe i love you.
maybe i just love pain.

exam fever.

3 days before my finals:

• my hair is a mess. let's call it the just-out-of-bed look.
• my eyes look dark. it's either dark circles, or maybe just smudged eyeliner.
• i have a don't-mess-with-me look on my face.
• wearing a black tank top.

and i thought to myself...

I LOOK LIKE A ROCKSTAR~!!

i live in an oven.

that's right people. i live in a friggin oven.

i honestly don't know if it's global warming, or if it's gonna be the end.
(if you watched 'Knowing', you'll understand)

but the heat is unbearable. seriously.
i don't know if it's just Kelantan, or the whole Malaysia,
but i gotta say the weather is crazy.

end of last year it was WET.
for months, continously.
with all our laundry piled up and rotting at one corner.

and now it's BURNING!

i've done everything i can to feel comfortable.
~ wear minimal clothing, check.
(i have roommates, so maybe not as minimal as i'd wish)
~ take cold showers frequently, check.
(now all i need is an ICE bath)
~ turn ALL the fans on, at the HIGHEST speed, check.
(wish our rooms were air-conditioned)
~ drink nothing but cold drinks, check.
(still leaves me feeling dehydrated)
~ try to sleep it off? check!
(impossible to fall sleep)


there are only a few things that i haven't considered.
~ shave my head bald and shiny.
~ stay outside my room completely naked.
~ move in permanently into a fridge.
~ do a rain dance.

let's hope this merciless heat doesn't burn away my sanity.

~ALWAYS be my baby

now you want to be free

so i'm letting you fly

cause i know in my heart babe

our love will never die, no

you'll always be a part of me

i'm a part of you indefinitely

don't you know you can't escape me

oh darling cause you'll always be my baby

and we'll linger on

time can't erase a feeling this strong

no way you're never gonna shake me

oh darling cause you'll always be my baby

i ain't gonna cry, no

and i won't beg you to stay

if you're determined to leave

i will not stand in your way

-David Cook

the mystery of a grey pendrive :)

woke up this morning,
(okay more like afternoon, but heck...)
walked around with my hair in a mess, eyes barely open,
looked at my table and there it was:

A PENDRIVE!


okay i know it doesn't seem like anything great.
but here's the thing, it wasn't mine.
there was no note, nothing.

so i ignored it.
waited around for a text or something, explaining its sudden 'presence'.
but again, nothing.

i asked around.

turns out there's a video some senior dude wanted me to watch.
*excited*
i imagined it to be one of our dance performances.
there's something wrong with my player, so i thought of watching it somewhere else.

then i got a warning (text):
"DON'T PLAY IT NOW!"
*confused*

didn't think much bout it since it was only 2 hours prior to my exam.
(hence, head goes cuckoo)

~fast forward~


17 minutes prior to exam,
someone enlightened me.

it's the last thing i ever expected:
PORN.

*laughs my heart out*
--------------------------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
it's hilarious how people just can't seem to digest the fact that i've not watched porn before.
(i know now some of you may think i'm as innocent as a child, and some may think i'm just pathetic. but i really don't care.)

whatever it is,
i'n not exactly that clueless. :)

[ can't imagine how i'd concentrate on the exam if the last image in my mind was porn. porn for the first time. HAHA! ]

grotesque!

i have exams in less than 3 weeks. instead of reading Keith Moore's Clinical Anatomy, i'm reading this:

had it for what seems like ages already, but only decided to open it a few days before my finals. ironic huh?

anywayz, i've only read a few pages and i think it's awesome already!

prostitution... murder... japan... oooooooohhhhh... it doesn't get any better, does it?

i'm so excited i'm almost turned on. almost.

oh shit!

oh shit!

well some stuff here are obviously for my eyes only. most of the time, when i blog it's more like talking to myself.

not everything here is meant to be public.

therefore i can't decide whether to make this blog public or private.

and again.... oh shit!

rest in peace.

we take people for granted all the time.
i try my best not to, as much as i can.
but i'm only human. so i, too, take people for granted, without realizing.

there are some people who should be close to us,
but slowly we drift apart.
we don't call, we don't write, we don't visit.
we remember, but never made it a point to let them know they're remembered.

it's nobody's fault, really. as i always say.
it works both ways.

so start today.
pick up that phone, go get a pen and paper, grab your car keys and drive.
start today.


















we sometimes assume people will always be there.
failing to realize the fact that anything can happen at any time.

only at times like this do we realize that life isn't forever.
and life can end in a blink.
death doesn't wait for us to be prepared,
death comes and ambushes us when we least expect it.
leaving only a feeling of loss...

we pray that you're in a better place now. rest in peace. you will be missed.