broken

This brought me to tears today.

the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
i am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
in the pain, there is healing
in your name i find meaning
so i'm holding on, i'm holding on, i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

the broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
i tried my best to be guarded, i'm an open book instead
i still see your reflection inside of my eyes
that are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
in the pain, is there healing
in your name i find meaning
so i'm holding on, i'm holding on, i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

i'm hanging on another day
just to see what you throw my way
and i'm hanging on to the words you say
you said that i will be okay

the broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
i may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
in the pain, there is healing
in your name i find meaning
so i'm holding on, i'm holding on, i'm holding on
i'm barely holding on to you

Broken- Lifehouse

Someone once told me...

"When you cry yourself to sleep, you'll wake up the next morning with horribly swollen eyes and a puffy face."



It's true.

So either call in sick, or be prepared to get odd looks and questions.

-back.

And so I'm back, after half a year. How things have changed... or not.
Sometimes we can never know if change is really for the better. More reasons to smile, at the same time, more reasons to cry. You say hello to something, at the same time, you say goodbye to something else. For the better? And you wonder.

Some goodbyes were probably not even real goodbyes. And you realize that although you've always thought somethings are long gone, no longer there, their shadow appears when you least expect it. Gone, or just hiding?

And there'll be times when you feel complete, but as soon as you close your eyes for a moment, a sense of emptiness drowns you. It's like having so many good puzzle pieces, more than you would ever need, but none to fill that last spot. Wonderfully complete, yet still incomplete.

And you look back and wonder what could've been. If you had stayed and waited at square one for just a little longer, how different would things be? Or would you have been left there standing at the same spot forever? Was the wait not long enough? Who's to know anyway.

And you'd be surprised as to how one can call you their friend one minute, and the next minute easily turn around and label you the enemy. Little things may have changed from time to time, but does that really have to burn everything else?




Nonetheless, for all that I have with me right here and right now, no matter how much or how little they may seem, no matter how perfect or imperfect they may be, I thank You.

let.me.WHINE.

i hate whining. i hate it when people get too whiney.

but tonight i don't care. i'm gonna whine all i want here. i'm gonna be one of those painfully annoying whiney people. i don't freakin care.

it's acceptable when life slaps you right on your face once, twice is still okay too. but when it decides to not only slap you a million times till your face turns blue, but also kick and punch and burn you till every inch of your body screams in agony and you're left feeling numb, you have all the right in the universe to whine.

i am not weak. i have shone like the king of the world, and fallen to the deepest darkest pits, and worked my way up all over again. i have tasted success. and i have had failures. which i am never too afraid to climb out of. but there comes a point when your strength goes missing and no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to find it. i am not weak, but at this moment in time, i am not strong either. so let me whine.

working so bloody hard on something, only to be shot in the head with failure. holding on so strongly for so long, only to realize nobody is going to be there to grab your hand and pull you up. being able to trust and build a bond, only to be abandoned and forgotten within seconds. wanting, wishing, praying, hoping so badly, only to see that one thing in someone else's hands. having to fight an unfair fight, and to do it alone. so let me whine.

i feel wronged. i feel betrayed. i feel cheated. i feel mistreated. i feel abandoned. so let me freakin whine.

shanti on break

i've been at home (on break) for about 2 weeks now, and here's what i do:


1200: Get up. *yawns*
before you call me a lazy pig, you should see what time i go to sleep.

1230: Hello, chores.
either cooking or cleaning or laundry.

1330: Blast music. Sing (or screech) my heart out. Dance like there's no tomorrow.
everybody else in school, nothing good on tv, me being home alone and bored shitless, what else am i to do?

1500: Read papers.
voice gone hoarse, ran out of dance moves, so yea.

1530: Watch 'Lalola'.
so i'm a sucker for spanish telenovelas. shoot me.

1630: Scroll through tv channels aimlessly.
i just watch anything to kill time. oh sometimes it'd be 'Life is Wild' on channel 5. the guy is cute, so i don't mind.

1800: Watch 'The Ellen Show'.
she makes me laugh. i like her.

1900: Hog mom/dad's laptop for the rest of the night.
by now they should be back, with their laptops. which means yay i finally get to go online! i have one too, but something happened and we sent it for repair and they're taking forever to get it fixed.

0200: Drown in boredom again.
most people would've gone to bed, leaving me online alone. even facebook gets boring. so i watch random videos, read random blogs, view random photos, and play random pointless online games.

0500: SCRAM!
parents would be up any minute now, so i'd shut everything down and run straight to bed!!


there you go. that's how i spend my days at home, more or less, every day. what a wonderful holiday. (it's gonna be a painfully loooooong 2-month break)

maybe.

maybe i love you, maybe i just love pain.

sometimes it really isn't that clear.
loving you doesn't make sense.
loving pain doesn't make sense.
i don't know which it is.
either way, it's just not going away.
it's still the same.

maybe i love you.
maybe i just love pain.

exam fever.

3 days before my finals:

• my hair is a mess. let's call it the just-out-of-bed look.
• my eyes look dark. it's either dark circles, or maybe just smudged eyeliner.
• i have a don't-mess-with-me look on my face.
• wearing a black tank top.

and i thought to myself...

I LOOK LIKE A ROCKSTAR~!!

i live in an oven.

that's right people. i live in a friggin oven.

i honestly don't know if it's global warming, or if it's gonna be the end.
(if you watched 'Knowing', you'll understand)

but the heat is unbearable. seriously.
i don't know if it's just Kelantan, or the whole Malaysia,
but i gotta say the weather is crazy.

end of last year it was WET.
for months, continously.
with all our laundry piled up and rotting at one corner.

and now it's BURNING!

i've done everything i can to feel comfortable.
~ wear minimal clothing, check.
(i have roommates, so maybe not as minimal as i'd wish)
~ take cold showers frequently, check.
(now all i need is an ICE bath)
~ turn ALL the fans on, at the HIGHEST speed, check.
(wish our rooms were air-conditioned)
~ drink nothing but cold drinks, check.
(still leaves me feeling dehydrated)
~ try to sleep it off? check!
(impossible to fall sleep)


there are only a few things that i haven't considered.
~ shave my head bald and shiny.
~ stay outside my room completely naked.
~ move in permanently into a fridge.
~ do a rain dance.

let's hope this merciless heat doesn't burn away my sanity.

~ALWAYS be my baby

now you want to be free

so i'm letting you fly

cause i know in my heart babe

our love will never die, no

you'll always be a part of me

i'm a part of you indefinitely

don't you know you can't escape me

oh darling cause you'll always be my baby

and we'll linger on

time can't erase a feeling this strong

no way you're never gonna shake me

oh darling cause you'll always be my baby

i ain't gonna cry, no

and i won't beg you to stay

if you're determined to leave

i will not stand in your way

-David Cook

the mystery of a grey pendrive :)

woke up this morning,
(okay more like afternoon, but heck...)
walked around with my hair in a mess, eyes barely open,
looked at my table and there it was:

A PENDRIVE!


okay i know it doesn't seem like anything great.
but here's the thing, it wasn't mine.
there was no note, nothing.

so i ignored it.
waited around for a text or something, explaining its sudden 'presence'.
but again, nothing.

i asked around.

turns out there's a video some senior dude wanted me to watch.
*excited*
i imagined it to be one of our dance performances.
there's something wrong with my player, so i thought of watching it somewhere else.

then i got a warning (text):
"DON'T PLAY IT NOW!"
*confused*

didn't think much bout it since it was only 2 hours prior to my exam.
(hence, head goes cuckoo)

~fast forward~


17 minutes prior to exam,
someone enlightened me.

it's the last thing i ever expected:
PORN.

*laughs my heart out*
--------------------------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
it's hilarious how people just can't seem to digest the fact that i've not watched porn before.
(i know now some of you may think i'm as innocent as a child, and some may think i'm just pathetic. but i really don't care.)

whatever it is,
i'n not exactly that clueless. :)

[ can't imagine how i'd concentrate on the exam if the last image in my mind was porn. porn for the first time. HAHA! ]